Guidelines for visitors

We have had a lot of visitors to 3 Devanha Gardens South this year. It occurs to me that, consistent with my undisputed position as master of the household, it is time to publish some guidelines as to how visitors are expected to behave.

• House guests are on no account to look disapproving when I am being given special food treats. In fact they are positively encouraged to make Gail feel bad about her absurd 'no feeding from the table' rule.


• Younger guests are reminded of the tail pulling ban, and are dissuaded in general from running around, making lots of noise and being disruptive.


• Visitors must recognise that dogs - especially elderly dogs - have different priorities when out walking. The importance of allowing time for identifying all detectable smells must be acknowledged. The 'route-march' approach to hiking is inappropriate. In winter visitors are recommended to bring warm clothes, to avoid frostbite whilst waiting for sniffing activities to be completed.


• Violations of personal space will not be tolerated. The sofa by the front window belongs to me. Gail is the only other person allowed to sit there. Visitors who disobey this rule will be growled at, unremittingly and without exception, until they move.


• Visitors are not encouraged to linger in the kitchen chatting, if all the food has been eaten. The tile floor is cold and I would prefer that everyone moves into the front room (provided of course that the aforementioned personal space rules are adhered to).


• When expressing admiration for my good looks, personality, temperament and general cuteness, restraint is not required, and feelings may be expressed by tummy tickling, stroking and adoring looks. This picture of recent visitors Jo and Jan illustrates an acceptable attitude.